I can't even begin to describe how completely fucked my life is right now.
Rob broke up with me on Monday, which was completely unexpected and I'm still half in shock, half in total destruction. He just woke up and started crying, and when I asked what was wrong, he said "I don't love you anymore." Oh.
What the fuck do you say to that? After three years you just stopped loving me? How? When? What the Christ fuck?
So I just stood up, walked outside in the -10C weather in my Spongebob boxers and tank top and just cried. I didn't know what else to do. I called my dad shortly after and asked him and my step mom to come get me. Rob came out and said "Can't we talk about this?" What? No, fuckface, what do we even have to talk about? It's not like we can talk this out and make everything better!? He sobbed as I packed what shit I could and fucked off.
I didn't stop crying or vomiting until yesterday, in which I lost 4 lbs and now my work pants refuse to stay up.
Everything is just FUBAR. My entire three year relationship and my life fucked up in under 5 seconds.I went back yesterday to get the rest of my stuff, and a lot of my stuff is still there. And all I could do was cry, my entire body felt like it had been hit with a truck the moment I saw him. He was crying just as much as I was, begging me not to cut him out of my life completely. We had a long talk about what we were going to do, because he still wants to talk to me and be my friend, but I just don't know if I can handle that. I honestly still just feel like staying in my bed forever, and I know for a fact that I never want another relationship, because one day they'll decide that they don't love me anymore and I'll have to feel like this all over again, which I just cannot do.
If I ever saw him with another girl, I just don't think that I could possibly handle it. I just couldn't fucking do it, there's absolutely no way. He still wants me to go see Rush with him, which I'm going to do, mostly because it's already paid for and it's FUCKING RUSH. But I just don't know. I can't handle waking up alone everyday, not hearing him randomly call me "pretty," not having him to hug when I'm upset, not having dinner with him, not going to the movies with him, not holding his hand. I fucking hate it and I feel like this gunshot feeling in my chest will never go away.
And I don't think it ever will anyways. He said that maybe we can spark things up in the future, and he feels that maybe it was because we were cooped up in such a small space together all the time. But we weren't... Not at all the time. So I'm definitely and obviously not getting my hopes up for that, though I wish I could let myself fall into that false hope, maybe it would make me feel better.
Maybe if I was better, prettier, smarter...